What Have We Learned Today?
by Lothlome
Summary: Remus helps Sirius come to terms with his new found crush on James.Slash.SBJP.OneShot.


Sirius Black lay on his four-poster, staring at the ceiling angrily. Once again James had skipped out on their game of Quidditch to spend time with Lily. Sirius exhaled heavily and rolled his eyes. This was the fourth time this week James had ditched him, and that was only where Quidditch was concerned. Ever since James had started dating Lily, the two best friends had been seeing less and less of each other, something that was starting to really weigh on Sirius.

The two Marauders had been the dynamic duo, and then Lily had come in and ruined everything. There were no more Quidditch games, no more late night trips to the kitchen, and no more elaborate pranks. Sirius tried to take joy in his friend's happiness, but it became increasingly difficult, as his jealousy started to take over him.

It was all so unfair. Sirius loved James like a brother…loyally…unconditionally. And his repayment for his extreme dedication to James was to lie around the dorm, waiting lethargically like a dog awaiting his master. Sirius tugged at his shaggy black hair, and looked at it critically. He wondered if James would notice if he grew it out long again. He always let it grow long when he was depressed or upset about something. Perhaps James would take notice of this and realize he had been neglecting his best friend. Sirius sighed and heavily and let his bangs fall down into his eyes, the way things were going lately, he would be surprised if James could remember what color his hair was, let alone the length and its significance.

The door to the dorm opened wide and then closed. Sirius looked up to see Remus walking toward his bed with an armload of books.

"Studying again, Moony?" Sirius said with a smirk.

"We have our N.E.W.T.'s this year, I want to be prepared," Remus replied, dumping his books onto his bed.

"You're going to be a virgin for the rest of your life," Sirius cracked, propping himself up on his elbow so he could watch his friend. Remus rolled his eyes.

"At least I won't be living in a cardboard box," he retorted.

"Good, that makes two of us," Sirius quipped. Remus once again rolled his eyes.

"So I'm guessing James skipped out of your little game of Quidditch," he observed, trying to get the conversation on a saner wavelength, though that was always difficult when Sirius was involved.

"Yes," Sirius said bitterly. "He had to go take a walk with Lily."

"It's a good thing you're not jealous," Remus chuckled. Sirius rolled off his elbow and laid flat on his back.

"Who says I'm not jealous," he grumbled. "Do you realize that this is the zillionth time he's abandoned me since he started dating Lily? I feel like a discarded pair of lucky underwear."

"'Discarded pair of lucky underwear'?" Remus repeated in a mixture of curiosity and disgust.

"You know, you have this favorite pair of underwear you wear when you have a big test, or when you're going on a hot date. Then, one day you buy a new pair that replaces the old pair, and you wear the new pair all the time, and the old one sits in the drawer collecting dust," Sirius explained. Remus stared at him with mouth agape.

"I'm not even going to—"Remus shook his head and blinked hard. There was no use trying to understand Padfoot when he was emotional.

"Anyway," Sirius continued, "I've decided that if James ditches me one more time, I'm telling Snape he has a crush on him."

"What good will that do?" Remus asked skeptically. Sirius shrugged.

"I dunno, but it would make me feel better." Remus shook his head and chuckled to himself.

"Padfoot, Padfoot, Padfoot."

"What?" Sirius demanded.

"I've listened to you gripe and complain about Lily and Prongs for the last four months. How she's not right for him—how she's intruding upon your "best friend" time…. Did you really think I wouldn't realize?" Remus laughed. Sirius furrowed his brow in confusion. He wasn't sure understood what Moony was talking about, though he had a vague idea.

"Moony, if you're insinuating what I think you're insinuating, then I would have to say that you are absolutely—"

"Correct?" Remus challenged, raising an eyebrow.

"No!" Sirius screamed defensively. Remus would have rolled his eyes, but those muscles were tired.

"Padfoot, really, it's me, Moony, you can tell me the truth," he assured his friend.

"I am telling the truth!" Sirius said firmly. Remus shrugged and opened one of his books.

"Whatever you say, Padfoot." Sirius glared at Remus as he read his Transfiguration book. He hated when he started conversations, and then left him to ponder the meaning of his words. What was Moony playing at anyway? Trying to tell him he had feelings for Prongs? That was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard…

But was it really? He had never given it much thought, but then again, why would he be expected to? Sirius furrowed his brow in concentration as he pondered his conversation with Remus. Maybe he had a point. Sirius had always explained his jealousy as a result of a brotherly attachment to Prongs. He never thought that he could be jealous because he actually had feelings for him.

"Oh my God!" Sirius groaned smashing a pillow over his face as realization came crashing down on him like a large rock. Remus closed his book on his thumb and looked over at Sirius with a wry smile. He had to admit, he felt a little guilty about revealing the truth to Padfoot in such a harsh way, but somebody had to do it.

"So, have you come to terms with it yet?" Remus asked brightly. Sirius removed the pillow from his face, and glared over at his fellow Marauder.

"You are enjoying this far too much," he shot at him. Remus merely shrugged.

"I've discovered I'm somewhat of a sadist," he told Padfoot. "Your pain is quite amusing."

"I'm flattered," Sirius said dryly.

"So…"

"So…"

"Moony, you're my friend right?" Sirius asked, looking at Remus pointedly.

"Yes…" Remus replied slowly. He wondered what was coming next.

"Then as my friend I'm asking you to please rip my entrails out during the next full moon."

"That wasn't funny, Padfoot," Remus said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. He had always been sensitive about the werewolf issue, and he didn't appreciate it being turned into one big joke.

"I wasn't kidding," Sirius replied, once again smothering his face with his pillow.

"You're trying to suffocate yourself now?" Remus asked dryly, re-opening his book.

"Maybe."

"So, I take it you _haven't_ come to terms with it yet," Remus remarked. Sirius replied by making a noise that sounded vaguely like a dog whimpering. Remus allowed Sirius to wallow in self pity for the next hour and a half, checking every now and then to make sure he hadn't really suffocated himself. Finally, Remus closed his books and set them aside, the next task was going to require his undivided attention.

"Padfoot," he said seriously.

"Yes," was the muffled reply.

"Could you take the pillow off your face please?"

"No."

"Padfoot!"

"Fine." Sirius lifted the pillow off his face and turned his head so he could see Remus. He still thought Moony was enjoying this too much.

"Good," Remus said with a smile. "Now let's talk about what we've learned today."

"I. Hate. Life."

"Okay—not exactly what I thought we were going to be discussing," Remus said, folding his lips and studying Sirius carefully.

"Now I know how Snivellus feels," Sirius groaned. "Do you think he hates life because he's gay?"

"Um…no," Remus said decidedly. Sirius shrugged indifferently.

"Guess it's something else then."

"Sirius, can we please get back to the matter at hand?" Remus said impatiently.

"Oh, right. Anyway, I think I've come up with a solution."

"Really?" Remus said in pleasant surprise. "Let's hear it."

"Okay, I think you're really going to like this one," Sirius told him. "I get Snape to drive an axe through my head, and then you can figure this out on your own because, thank God, I'm dead."

"As tempting as that sounds," Remus began dryly. "I think we need a solution that actually deals with the current situation."

"Death is a solution to almost everything," Sirius pointed out.

"Morbid much?" Remus countered.

"You'd be feeling morbid too if you found out you fancied your best friends named James," Sirius snapped, once again covering his face with a pillow. Remus sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. He had, had just about enough of Sirius' little pity party. He crossed the room and wrenched the pillow away from Padfoot.

"Stop acting like such a baby!" he ordered, tossing the pillow across the room. Sirius looked up at Remus in surprise, he had never seen Remus act aggressive before, it was actually quite a nice change.

"Fine Moony, sheesh," Sirius said, sitting up. Remus relaxed, and sat down on the side of Sirius' four-poster.

"Now then," he said, reverting back to his usual calm, and passive self, "What do you plan to do about all this?"

"I already told you—"

"A _real_ plan, Padfoot," Remus said, rubbing his eyebrows tiredly. Sirius restrained himself from pointing out that getting Snape was a real plan, and was actually a bit more conceivable than some of the other alternatives.

"I dunno… it's not like I have a lot of experience in this realm, or whatever it's called," Sirius admitted.

"Lucky for you, I've been doing some research," Remus said, crossing the room and pulling out a large stack of parchment from underneath his bed.

"You actually researched this?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "How long has this been going on for?"

"About four months," he said as he waded through his notes.

"I've liked James for four months and you didn't tell me!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Well, I thought you knew," Remus replied pointedly. "Ah yes…" He pulled out a long piece of parchment that was covered from top to bottom in black ink. "Now then, according to my notes, denial is always the first stage—I think we've gone through that successfully."

"You're the therapist here," Sirius scoffed.

"Now, the next stage is the "coming to terms" stage or "acceptance" stage. I think that's where we are now," Remus continued. Sirius snorted in disbelief.

"According to the books, your next step would be to actually approach the object of your affection."

"Come again?" Sirius demanded.

"Look, just what I've said here--" Remus showed Sirius the sentence he had just read, while Sirius shook his head furiously.

"No way! If you think for one second that I'm—"

"Would you stop being so stubborn?" Remus said in annoyance. "We can't deal with this if you don't have an open mind."

"I apologize for having a stroke," Sirius said dryly. Remus hung his head wearily. Why did he even bother?

"Look Sirius I'm trying to help you here. I don't want you to spend the rest of your time at Hogwarts brooding and being "angsty-man"," Remus told him seriously. Sirius raised an eyebrow and suppressed a laugh.

"Angsty-man?" he repeated, shivering with silent giggles. Remus reddened a bit, but continued on with his lecture.

"Whatever," he grumbled. "The point is, you're acting stupid. If you just accepted the fact that you fancy James, I think we could really make some progress."

"You try accepting something like that!" Sirius challenged.

"Fortunately enough, I don't have to come to terms with anything because I'm perfectly comfortable in my sexuality."

"Well bully for you," Sirius said irritably.

"Look, I know what you're going through. I helped Peter through this same thing a few years ago."

"What?" Sirius shouted. "Peter's a flamer?"

"Er…" Remus stammered, he had forgotten they had all decided to keep the news of Peter's homosexuality from Sirius. He had a tendency to over react to things. "Well, y-yes, in a manner of speaking."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!" Sirius exclaimed in annoyance. "I would have loved to help the little bugger come to terms."

"So you could have made fun of him the whole time?" Remus asked pointedly. Sirius shrugged.

"Whatever."

"Actually, you know, maybe you could borrow some of Peter's books on the "acceptance stage"," Remus stood and started looking through Peter's trunk. "He had a crush on you a few years ago actually…." Sirius stared in horror at the back of Remus' head.

"Ignoring that," he said in disgust.

A few minutes later, Remus brought forth a rather thick looking book, the size of which only added to Sirius' apprehensions.

"Here, maybe this'll help," Remus said encouragingly, holding the book out to his friend. Sirius read the title on the cover, and stared up at Moony in disbelief.

"Who's Team Am I On: A Guide For the Sexually Confused?" he stated. "You actually want me to read this?"

"Peter said it was very insightful," Remus offered.

"Okay, that's it," Sirius said decidedly. He chucked the book across the room, and glared up at Remus pointedly. "You might be the "King of Books" Moony, but books can't help me now. I'm not following any stupid rules or guidelines that some pompous poof wrote down on a used piece of toilet paper. I'm going to do this my way, and if my way's wrong, then it's wrong." Remus looked down at Sirius with a satisfied smile on his face. Finally that stupid ass had come to terms with the situation.

"Excellent," Remus said happily. "And how are you planning on going about all this, Padfoot?" Sirius continued to stare up at his friend, his eyes empty of all amusement.

"You knock me off my horse, and then you kick me in the chest with a pointy boot, Moony."

Remus let out a long clear laugh, as Sirius flopped onto the side of his bed in complete defeat. He couldn't believe that he, Sirius Black, Sex-God of Hogwarts, was a flaming homo. Just then, the door to the dormitory flew open, and James strode in, with a satisfied smile plastered across his face.

"'Sup bitches? What have we been doing today?" he inquired pleasantly. Sirius stared at James and then collapsed face down onto his bed and sobbed dramatically.

"What'd I do?" James asked Remus in confusion. Remus sighed, and shook his head.


End file.
